How to Get By With a Little Help From Your Friends
I have a colleague who who kept talking to her partner about how much she missed kickboxing. It was empowering, challenging, helped her with mental clarity and it was a great way to exercise. The trouble was, she wasn’t being proactive about signing up for a class.
So her partner decided a membership to the kickboxing gym was the perfect birthday gift. He knew that some people might take this gift the wrong way, coming from their partner, it could come across as a not-so-subtle message that she was getting out of shape. Plus, we all remember the controversy over that Peloton ad, a couple of years ago.
So, how would she react?
Luckily, my colleague thought it was endearing and thoughtful. She needed some help getting motivated and this gift gave her the push she needed. Now she goes 3-5 days a week and feels phenomenal.
I am in the business of helping people. That’s what I do day in and day out at my own company, Balancing Life’s Issues. I help people figure out how to get past the things in life that are preventing them from reaching their goals. It’s amazing that I get paid to do something that I love so much.
But helping people doesn’t stop when I leave the office. I try to be there for my friends, my kids, and my 86-year-old mother. If any of them needs someone to talk to about a problem, they know that all they have to do is give me a call.
The trouble is that I’m not always comfortable reaching out to people when I need some assistance. I’ve been thinking a lot lately why I, like so many other people that I know, simply cannot or will not ask for help.
Let’s consider this scenario: Person A believes that they are tough and can handle any situation on their own. That’s great, right? They are strong, competent, determined — all the traits that we value so much in this society. So what’s the problem? Is there even one?
Person A’s friends and family are used to this determination. It’s a trait that they admire, and maybe wish they had more of themselves. They politely ask Person A whether they want help with something. Person A, always says no.
All good. Right?
Well, no not really. Without intending too, all the people in this situation have set up a dynamic that’s difficult to change. Person A is the self-sufficient one, the lone wolf who can take on anything. As long as this dynamic continues, it gets harder and harder for Person A to ask for help if they need it. And it also gets easier and easier for everyone else to go about their lives without thinking too much about issues Person A might be facing.
What to do? There’s a lot of advice out there about ways to reach out for help — Heidi Grant wrote an amusing piece on how to ask for help without making it weird — but there’s not nearly as much out there about how to offer help to someone who stubbornly refuses it.
Here are some ideas about how to change the dynamic:
Pay attention: Person A isn’t going to ask for help, so be on the lookout for telltale signs that something’s wrong. Are they less communicative than usual, or a little more irritable? That sounds like they’re dealing with extra stress. Is there a broken appliance that never seems to get fixed? An emptier fridge? Maybe there’s some financial strain. Keep an eye out for anything out of the ordinary.
Don’t bother asking. If you offer help, they’re going to decline. If they can’t ask for help, they probably aren’t good at accepting it either. Instead of asking an open-ended “How can I help?” you can substitute “Talk to me.” If they brush you off, wait a while and ask again.
Go above and beyond. I have an acquaintance who noticed that his neighbor had asthma attacks nearly every time he cut his grass. My acquaintance didn’t ask if he could mow the neighbor’s lawn — he just started doing it. Although it embarrassed him at first, the neighbor now thanks him every time. So don’t be afraid of interfering or overstepping boundaries when someone needs you too.
Keep in touch. Check in often. Send texts or emails just to let them know you’re thinking about them. Phone calls are great because they encourage someone to talk, but they can also be a hassle when there’s a long to-do list. Make sure you’re helping and not just adding to the stress.
One more thing: Some people don’t realize they are the type who can’t ask for or accept help. I tend to forget that this is me sometimes. When friends and family reach out with an offer to help, don’t ignore them because you’re usually in that position, try saying yes once in a while. We all could use a little help now and then.