Living Without Regrets
Let’s pretend you’re on a first date. Everything is going great, but then your date leans across the table and asks, “So, what’s the biggest regret of your life?”
You feel put on the spot. You make a little joke about it, then change the subject as soon as possible. The conversation goes on, but that question lingers in the air.
Thinking it over later, you wonder why you didn’t just answer. We all have regrets, don’t we? Why not just own up to it? Because regrets are about choices we have made, and none of us want to seem like we make bad decisions.
But what we’re forgetting is that we all make bad decisions. They don’t become regrets until we start punishing ourselves about them. Pulitzer Prize-winning writer Kathryn Schulz, who has spoken and written extensively on the subject, points out that it’s not a coincidence that we often respond to regret by saying, “I could have kicked myself.”
Regret is unhealthy. It’s counterproductive. I believe that a successful person is someone who has no regrets. A ton of failures, maybe, but no regrets.
So how do we get to that place? How do we stop making excuses for things that have happened in the past? Is there a way we can reshape the way we make decisions so that we don’t regret them? Karen Reivich, director of training programs at the University of Pennsylvania Positive Psychology Center, believes we fall into “thinking traps” that make it hard to change our behavior. That includes what she calls personalizing, or blaming yourself for, your problems.
But with forward thinking — examining how our actions today will influence how we feel in the future — we can train ourselves not to regret our decisions to do, or not do, something.
I’m thinking about a young colleague who always wanted to move to New York. She knew it wouldn’t be the easiest place to live, and that she would probably have more than her share of challenges along the way. But she knew also knew she had two choices:
Make the move. She could revel in the achievement that she tried something new and fulfilled a dream. It wouldn’t matter what hurdles she might encounter along the way. She would celebrate the fact that she didn’t hold back and she went for it.
Don’t make the move. It could haunt her. Sure she would still have a family and a career, but the whole time she would feel the tug of something that just wasn’t right. One day, maybe years in the future, she would think to herself: Why didn’t I go? Why did I stop myself?
Spoiler alert: She did move to New York, and she couldn’t be happier. On top of that, she’s not only tackled New York’s challenges and worked through the hurdles but she’s thriving in a way that supersedes her dreams.
Here’s another example. A close friend of mine has always been afraid of motorcycles. She swore she’d never get near one, let alone ride one. Yet one day she found herself in a relationship with a guy who was an avid motorcyclist. She eventually decided to give it a try and discovered she loved it. Now, sometimes it’s hard to reach her because she’s often on a long ride.
Both women’s stories make me think of one of my favorite quotes from the painter Georgia O’Keeffe: “I've been absolutely terrified every moment of my life — and I've never let it keep me from doing a single thing I wanted to do.”
Here’s a couple of questions you should be asking yourself about now: Am I living the life I want? What would have happened if I did make that decision, or If I never made that decision? (You know that Elon Musk thought a lot about this very issue before he spent tens of billions to launch himself into space.)
There are five areas in our lives where we should be forward thinking to help us make decisions we won’t regret:
Work. No matter where we are in our career, we’re confronted with decisions that will have repercussions down the line. Should I stick with my current job, or look for something more fulfilling? Is now the right time to launch my own company?
Health. Should I make the effort to get to the gym at least three times a week? Am I doing all I can to get enough sleep, or to eat better?
Finances. Can I afford to make a bigger contribution to my 401K? Can I afford to take that vacation?
Relationships. There’s always that one nagging question: Should I stay or should I go?
Personal growth. Can I take that big step without feeling bad about it? I think about Jennifer Aniston, who admits to losing a few friends because she won’t hang around people who aren’t vaccinated for Covid-19.
Sometimes it’s too late to go back. You can live your life without regrets, but you’ve got to start changing the way you make decisions about the future today. Think about it.
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