The Right Work-Life Balance Takes Work
I wish I had a dollar for every time someone has said to me: “But Wendy, you don’t understand my situation.”
It usually comes in the middle of a conversation where I’m offering suggestions about how they can make positive changes in their life. They’ll cut me off mid-sentence, saying something like, “Wendy, that’s great advice, but…” or “I wish I could do that, but…” And then they’ll launch into a well-prepared monologue about how their life is so difficult (or complicated or overwhelming — you get the idea) that the normal rules do not apply.
What they’re actually saying is, “Wendy, I don’t feel like it.”
For some reason, clients tend to throw up these conversational stop signs when we’re talking about work-life balance. They come to me with real problems — They don’t have time to take care of themselves, for example, or they feel that they’re neglecting their kids — but don’t want to actually make the changes that are necessary to solve them.
The discussion gets derailed as we talk about why they won’t make those changes. Is it purely ego, meaning that nagging little voice that tells people that they’re somehow less than or unworthy? That prevents us from trying to change by protecting us from feeling unsure, anxious, or inadequate. (Madison Epting talks about how ego keeps us from feeling genuine happiness in this piece from Medium.)
Or is it a lack of motivation? (I thought long and hard before typing out those last few words, because in truth I wanted to write “laziness.”) We’re not ready to actually take that first step, but we’re more than happy to talk about why that step is impossible in the first place. Either way, the only way to get past this feeling of being stuck is to power through.
Look, I know what it’s like. When I started Balancing Life’s Issues, the global training company that I’ve led for the past 28 years, I made every mistake in the book. I didn’t have a business plan. I made a series of disastrous hires. I had a ridiculous amount of turnover on my staff. Just keeping the lights on seemed to take every last ounce of energy that I had.
But I knew that I also had to make sure my kids remained a priority. I had made a plan to take them on a European vacation — I wanted them to be exposed to other cultures — and I wasn’t going to let an all-consuming job destroy the balance I had worked so hard to create. Every step along the way was a challenge, from managing to take enough time out of the office to figuring out how to swing it on an extremely modest budget. It was tough to manage as a single mother, even with things as straightforward as getting an OK from my ex-husband.
Long story short, everything worked out fine. I found a cruise where kids could travel for free, making things much cheaper. It even allowed me to find some “me time,” since on a ship I didn’t have to worry about them wandering too far.
The biggest lesson I learned along the way was that finding the right work-life balance is up to me. I just need to figure out how to get there. Here are a few of things I jotted down to remind myself to keep moving forward:
Set priorities. Even if you’re not the kind of person who makes lists, this is one time when it’s important. Write down 10 things that are important to you. Some will be professional (“be the top seller in my department”), others will be personal (“make it to all my kid’s baseball games”). Now rewrite the list, moving the things that are non-negotiable to the top. It’s amazing how this simple exercise puts things in perspective.
Don’t procrastinate. The best way to sabotage yourself is to promise that you’ll do something “tomorrow” or “next week.” Vague plans like “prioritize health and wellness” aren’t enough. Set concrete goals like “take a spinning class three times a week.” Block out the time on your calendar and make sure the people around you know it’s important.
Leave the pity party. Recognize that bad things happen. People lose their jobs and see their relationships end all the time. Give yourself time to grieve, but then make the decision to move on.
Be open to changes. Don’t be surprised when life throws you curveballs. If something derails your carefully made plans, take a moment to consider whether it might just be a good thing. You might even reach your goals faster.
And one more thing: creating the right work-life balance is a process. It’s messy, difficult, and challenging. Don’t let that stop you, because getting it right is incredibly rewarding as well.
Don’t forget to hold yourself accountable. Set aside some time each week to go over your list and put a star beside those items where you really aced it. Consider moving the others higher on the list for the next week. And check in occasionally with those around you, including your partner, your kids, and even your friends. They might see areas where you could improve even more, or give you accolades for a job well done.
Want to know more?
Join me tomorrow (Wednesday July 21st, at 5:30 pm eastern) on Facebook, Twitter or Linkedin as I go live, answering all the burning questions you might have about what it truly takes to have a Work/Life Balance.